Self Portraiture and the Gift of a Face

 

my bedroom faces, college 1999

My mother, who doesn’t know what a selfie or Facebook is (she asked me if Facebook was really a book of faces, which it kind of is now) acts more like a troubled teenager than a grown woman.  Since I was a kid, I've seen the self-portraits she photographed whenever she was incredibly sad or smashed.  These were bummer pictures to see, of course, as her daughter, but I also admired how unabashed she was about them; they weren't hidden away in a box somewhere.  The one I remember most clearly, probably because I own it (she sent it to me when I was away at college) is a photo she took just after she'd cut off all her beautiful long hair. 

I also regularly took self-portraits when I was crying or really sad, when I was a teenager.  I liked how these photos looked and the idea that I'd created a work of art of sorts just by capturing myself in the act of crying; even as a young person, i was aware that the aesthetic rawness of art created by young people was of general interest, aesthetically, with the cool grownups I admired.  

I know that a lot of my friends also liked to take photos of themselves.  There was something so fascinating about a photo that is usually taken from an unflattering angle but still manages to show striking or unusually lovely facets of our faces.  

In college I got really into these self-portraits.  I moved to a new place every year, and whenever I decorated my new room, I always had a collection of photos of myself tacked to the wall near my pillow, with sad lyrics about loneliness written on them.

Some were photos taken of me by friends, and some were self-portraits.  It was comforting to have these self-pitying and poetic loneliness reminders to look at as I drifted off the sleep; when I was alone, it felt sort of cozy to wallow.  And on the nights I wasn't alone, it was nice to look at the photos and silently say to them "Not alone tonight, Robins."  

Eventually I discovered the devastatingly witty and sad prose of Dorothy Parker, and as an art project, I went through all my old photo albums and put together all the self-portraits I had of me, mom and my friends in a notebook with appropriate Dorothy Parker quotes as a narrative for each picture.  It is the kind of art project that's sort of like "meh" unless you're young enough to think everything you do is genius, but I still think it's a neat book to look through.

 As we all know, "selfies" are the trend du jour, and, especially lately, a daily journalistic topic.  There is a psychological study that's been reported on lately, about how selfies are bad for a woman's self-esteem, and also that they have led to a trend in younger and younger women getting plastic surgery.  

Even though if know that the act of holding a camera away from your face as far as your arms can stretch and taking a picture of yourself is not some revolutionary idea, it never ceases to disappoint me how popular the selfie is right now, and I hope the next big Facebook trend becomes something I feel no slight bit of ownership over, like dick pics or close-up photos of tire treads. 

4 of my lonely, lovely robins that kept me company at night

Commute Curiousity

It used to drive me crazy that there was no way to live simultaneous experiences at once; this is what would give me a sense of longing when I used to be on buses or driving through neighborhoods in states I'd never been in before, and I would be lucky enough to look into someone's living room for a second if they had their curtains open, their lives on momentary display for me like the set of a play about the secret richness of the lives of common men.

I'm a boring old bag now so I don't have those thoughts as often, but yesterday when I was stuck on Santa Monica Boulevard forever, I did get to wondering again about what the interiors of some of these wrecked-looking buildings looked like.  Like, what is the story with some of these places that I love to look at but will never have first-hand experiences with.  It occurred to me that with careful research I could at least figure out a little bit about these ghost-frequented Los Angeles mysteries.

Gold Diggers

It's true that I've always been curious about what it's like inside Gold Diggers, but I didn't bother doing too much research on it, because, ironic as Angelenos like to consider themselves (I'd call it boredom), every place that was an authentic depressing hang out that resembled scenes from Barfly is now blithely called a "Dive Bar," and while it's true that old men who live within walking distance who "aren't in on the joke", as the saying goes, often frequent these bars, or strip clubs, in an authentic way, there comes some witching hour, like 10 pm or so, when these landmarks of a lonely alcoholics' safe place turns into a hipster place.  Nonetheless, when i'm stuck in Santa Monica Blvd traffic, i still do wonder what it's like inside.

The Old Sears Building

after and before

This Sears building has been closed since the Rodney King riots.  Unfortunately I couldn't find any photos of the interior, either in its heyday or in its ruin.  There has been a plan for some time to turn it into a mixed use building, the whole lofts on the upper floors/storefronts on the first floor thing.  I read the L.A. city Planning commission report on it, but surprisingly, it was a snoozefest.  I thought there aesthetic stipulations were interesting though, especially the amount of detail:

Environmental Impact Report Conditions (MM)
5. Aesthetics
a. All open areas not used for buildings, driveways, parking areas, recreational facilities or walks shall be attractively landscaped and maintained in accordance with a landscape plan, including an automatic irrigation plan, prepared by a licensed
landscape architect to the satisfaction of the decision maker.

b. Prior to the issuance of a grading permit or building permit, a plot plan prepared by a
reputable tree expert, indicating the location, size, type, and condition of all existing trees on the site shall be submitted to the City of Los Angeles Department of
Planning and the Street Tree Division of the Bureau of Street Services. The plan
shall contain measures recommended by the tree expert for the preservation of as
many trees as possible. (MM)
c. Any trees removed during project implementation shall be replaced by a minimum of 24-inch box trees in the parkway and on the site, on a 1: 1 basis, to the satisfaction of the Street Tree Division of the Bureau of Street Services and the decision maker.
(MM)
d. Removal of trees in the public right-of-way shall first require approval from the Board of Public Works. All trees in the public right-of-way shall be provided per the current Street Tree Division standards. (MM)
e. The genus or genera of the tree(s) shall provide a minimum crown of 30 - 50 feet.
(MM)
f. Every building, structure, or portion thereof, shall be maintained in a safe and
sanitary condition and good repair, and free from graffiti, debris, rubbish, garbage,
trash, overgrown vegetation or other similar material, pursuant to Municipal Code
Section 91.8104. (MM)
g. The exterior of all buildings and fences shall be free from graffiti when such graffiti is visible from a public street, public walk way or alley, pursuant to Municipal Code
Section 91.8104.15. (MM)

h. The subject property including associated parking facilities, sidewalks, and
landscaped planters adjacent to the exterior walls along the all property lines shall be
maintained in an attractive condition and shall be kept free of trash and debris.
Trash receptacles shall be located throughout the site.

i. Wall (Trash and Storage). Solid masonry block walls, a minimum of 6-feet in height,
shall enclose trash and other storage areas. There shall be no openings except for
gates. The areas shall be buffered so as not to result in noise, odor or debris
impacts on any adjacent uses. The area shall not be adjacent to any single-family
use. Recycling bins shall be provided at appropriate locations to promote recycling of
paper, metal, glass, and other recyclable materiaL. Trash pick up shall take place
only between 7:00 AM and 8:00 PM Monday through Friday, and 10:00 AM to 4:00
PM on Saturday. There shall be no pick up on Sunday or legal holidays.

They don't expect their mixed use building to be instantly covered in graffiti, apparently, and for the residents' trash bins to be odorless.  Shalimar-soaked masonry walls?


The Harvey Apartments

This building has particularly intrigued me for years.  it looks like such a flophouse a la Bukowski or Fante novel.  

none of these are my own photos, by the way.  They are from Google Street View, except for the one of the interior of Gold Diggers, which was from their Facebook page.

It's sort of funny that this is the building most mysterious to me, because there is actually a fair amount of demystifiying press on it.  

This story appeared on the CNN Justice site:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/12/02/publicist.killed.apartments/

In brief, back in 2010, a popular celebrity publicist, Ronni Chasen, died in what was an apparent suicide, but the details surrounding the suicide were suspicious, and there was a person of interest involved in the death, who was holed up in the Harvey Apartments, where he ended up shooting himself dead in the lobby.  True to my Harvey Apartments fantasies, it's described in this article as  the type of place where "[t]here's a lot of screaming goes on and hollering and the kind of ruckus you wouldn't find in the traditional apartment complex."

4 Interviews with the Girl Gang at Hogwarts

I was a 23 year old beauty, excited to have gotten a job as a mortuary/cemetery clerk at Forest Lawn Hollywood Hills Memorial Park, where the upper management were some of the worst people I've ever met and the internment services were conducted by rote – it was the McDonald’s of memorial parks:  “Oh, your young daughter just died of leukemia?  Fill out this paperwork and we'll call you up to the front desk when you're number is called.”  

I lasted there for two and a half years before quitting -- it was an intense last conversation with my soon-to-be ex-boss.  

"You're the only person who feels that I'm unfair," she said.  

"Sorry, but that's completely not true.  Nobody would tell you what they think of you to your face, but they all hate you and think you're unfair and look forward to days you call in sick." 

Then, I was unemployed for centuries, in a little suburb called Monrovia.  I was a substitute teacher, which brought in about $150 a month.  Still, the only thing I ever used my credit card for was to go to matinees at the beautiful Krikorian theatre on the main street there.  

One time I went to see the Harry Potter film Chamber of Secrets.  I was all alone in the theatre, thank god, because transformative moments are ideally solitary.  I’d always wanted to be a witch.  I had a few different close friends throughout grade school that I talked into being witches with me,and I also tried to conduct spells by myself all the time.  I loved to feel I could use magic to wish things away.

Hermoine,Ron, Harry Potter -- these kids were so brave.  I loved all the years of watching both their faults and their strengths develop:  Ron is loyal but somewhat average; Harry was cursed with tragedy but becomes a hero, with almost enough action in his life to distract him from being an orphan; Hermoine is a kick-ass genius bitch.  Yes, I followed these fictional characters for years and I like their fictional personalities, but why are the Harry Potter movies so important to me?  They are just the thing that comforts me.  Dumbledore looks like my mom's old best friend who died of cancer.  The meanest seeming man, Snape, is the bravest and most patient man.  Neville Longbottom, the buck-toothed zero, leads the final battle against the Nazi-like (obsessed with pure blood) bad guys.  I love to hear the opening credits music when I'm depressed or having horrible PMS or insomnia.

Today, when I know I am going to have a bad day at work, I either wear the Gryffendor scarf I knitted, the golden snitch necklace with a watch inside, my other, non-functional golden snitch necklace, or my necklace that says “expecto patronum” in lovely cursive and has a silhouette of an elk underneath.  This makes me a happy dork.  My love of Harry Potter is often the thing that makes weird people think I'm normal and normal people think I'm weird.  

Whatevs.  There is nothing wrong with being a witch or wizard.  That sentence doesn't even make sense.  Not only is there "nothing wrong" with being a witch or wizard, but it is also the absolute  best thing to be.  Here are a few interviews with friends who like or love the Harry Potter stories.

Miss G

Which do you prefer, the books or movies?

Movies.  I only read the books after the movie series was finished to fill in some of the backstories - not really a fan of them.

Why do you most appreciate about the Harry Potter stories?  For example, does it exemplify the scariness of childhood for you?  Does it make you feel distracted from the real world?

I used to be really into witches and witchcraft as a young child, so I sort of recognized Harry Potter as something I would've been obsessed with as a seven year old.  Also the art direction in the movies is amazing!! They really do a great job creating a world you want to be part of.

Whose side did you end up on:  Dumbledore or Snape?

It never occurred to me that one needed to pick a side.

Did you fall in love with the stories as a child or an adult?

I wish they had Harry Potter when I was a child.

If you loved the story immediately, do you remember why?  Or the ah-ha moment of your first exposure to Harry Potter?

I was only slightly aware of the Potter phenomenon when the first film came out.  I definitely was not planning on seeing it, but a friend wanted to go and I just fell in love with the aforementioned look of the film.  I had also just moved back to the States from the UK and the Britishness of it made me feel less homesick.

If it wasn’t love at first sight, what was it that eventually drew you to the stories?

No, it was pretty much love at first sight

Were you unhappy with the conclusion?  If so, how would your ideal ending go?

I have no complaints about the conclusion. [On a somewhat related note, I am unhappy that Stephen Fry was never cast in any of the movies]

Does the story touch on any of your political beliefs, i.e. feminism or socialism?

No. I think the plot is pretty much a soap opera with wands.

What is your favorite character and why?

Because I prefer the films, my favorite characters are based on performances rather than actual character personalities. I think Imelda Staunton was great. I also love Julie Walters as the Weasley's mum and Maggie Smith is always amazing.  

Miss G lives in Northern Ireland.  Sometimes she blogs at the garment thread.

http://garmentthread.blogspot.com/
















 
Kim Burly

Which do you prefer, the books or movies? 

The books, no question!

Why do you most appreciate about the Harry Potter stories?  For example, does it exemplify the scariness of childhood for you?  Does it make you feel distracted from the real world?

I like that I was able to completely lose myself in them. As a kid I would put myself into the stories I was reading and I was able to do that all over again as an adult when I started reading HP. 

Whose side did you end up on:  Dumbledore or Snape? 

TALK ABOUT CONFLICT. You spend a whole series thinking one thing and then getting hit with Snape's selfless goodness. I cried so hard. Team Severus for sure. 

Did you fall in love with the stories as a child or an adult? 

I was a dumb idiot and refused to read or watch the movies until the summer the 7th book came out. I think I was 25 or 26 and I read the whole series in the month of August. It's now my august ritual. 

If you loved the story immediately, do you remember why?  Or the ah-ha moment of your first exposure to Harry Potter? 

I tried reading sorcerers stone when it first came out because my sister had it, but I think that I abandoned it because she liked it so much, so therefore it must be lame. When I picked it up again years later I was sucked in as soon as I met Hagrid. There has never been a literary character more like my dad. 

If it wasn’t love at first sight, what was it that eventually drew you to the stories? 

My cousin Brit-nasty was obsessed and spent her junior high and high school years lamenting that Daniel Radcliffe as so dang short and she would always have to wear flats with him. She's kind of a badass, so I figured that anything she loves can't be that bad. 

Were you unhappy with the conclusion?  If so, how would your ideal ending go? 

I liked it UNTIL the stupid epilogue. Did we really need to see all of the kids of the characters going off to Hogwarts? How convenient that they ALL managed to have kids within the same year of each other. Still a little pissed that it all ended up in such a bland and fanfic way. Cut that out and it would have been perfect. 

Does the story touch on any of your political beliefs, i.e. feminism or socialism? 

When I first read it I was still pretty religious and the struggle between good and evil, Snape's sacrifice, it all fit pretty well with my Christian values (funny that so many Christians thought it was so bad. Now I'm more agnostic leaning but I still appreciate that those parallels came out as I initially read it.) 

What is your favorite character and why?  

Luna Lovegood.  She's quirky, smart and totally happy with who she is, even though people around her didn't always get where she was coming from.  Plus, I'd like to think I'd be sorted as a ravenclaw and we'd be pals.

Kim Burly does thealphablonde.com

 








Jocelyn

Which do you prefer, the books or movies?
I have only ever seen the movies. I'm planning for us to read the books aloud as a family when my kids are big enough. It's hard to wait!

Why do you most appreciate about the Harry Potter stories?  For example, does it exemplify the scariness of childhood for you?  Does it make you feel distracted from the real world?
I think there's something about magical solutions to life's problems-- and magic livening up boring aspects of life-- that appeals to me. For example, I'm always fascinated with the paintings and newspapers, and I'm super thrilled when the wizard world brushes close by the muggle world, like at the train station. To think that there is secret magic all around. 

Whose side did you end up on:  Dumbledore or Snape?
I don't consider it a divide. From my perspective, Snape was a sort of jerky person, but he was loyal and loving to the memory of Harry's mother, and to dumbledore, as an extension of that. The moment where he has to kill dumbledore is so baffling and heartbreaking, but to me it just shows how close they were. And dumbledore, though he has this sort of uncomfortable relationship to power, ultimately, I think he was nevertheless always on the side of right and good, and that counts for a lot to me. 

Did you fall in love with the stories as a child or an adult?
I was probably 30 when I saw the first one. I was against the series because my mom and mother-in-law were both way into it and I wanted-- I still thought I had a chance of being different;)

If you loved the story immediately, do you remember why?  Or the ah-ha moment of your first exposure to Harry Potter?
No, I saw the Goblet of Fire first, and I thought it was an action movie, way too scary for kids. I didn't really see the appeal at that time. But I was working in a kids' hair salon, and kids could choose to watch a movie during their haircut, so I saw tiny bits of the first two that way, and the kids talked so passionately about them, I was moved to bring them home and watch them after that. And the part where they are flooded with letters about Hogwarts, I was so overcome with emotion about that for some reason.  Being wanted? Having a calling? So for me that was critical in terms of drawing me into the story. I like the sweetness of the first two. 

If it wasn’t love at first sight, what was it that eventually drew you to the stories?
Oh, I think I just answered that. 

Were you unhappy with the conclusion?  If so, how would your ideal ending go?
The only thing I wanted was for Neville and Luna to get together, because Luna is my favorite. I like everything else. I love the deathly hallows story and I was glad Harry renounced the elder wand. 

Does the story touch on any of your political beliefs, i.e. feminism or socialism?
I doesn't immediately occur for me that way. It's more like a fundamental good versus evil alignment, which I consider to be a core aspect of my personality. 
What is your favorite character and why?
Luna. She's good, she's mystical, she has smart ideas. And of course, she's very whimsical. 

Jocelyn likes to read and is a student of progressive education. She is an LA native with two little kids. 






 







Red Velvet

Which do you prefer, the books or movies?

Both have their strengths and weaknesses! I read and enjoyed the books first, but haven't re-read them recently. These days, I'm more likely to watch the movies -- though I prefer watching the Rifftrax versions, as the films can drag in spots, and absolutely have elements of the ridiculous. 

Why do you most appreciate about the Harry Potter stories?  For example, does it exemplify the scariness of childhood for you?  Does it make you feel distracted from the real world?

What I appreciate most about Harry Potter is the world-building. I think that the works are definitely flawed -- the Social Work Grad Students Tumblr does an excellent takedown of what's most problematic about the series from a social justice perspective, which boils down to: the adults are mostly completely untrustworthy, Ron is the quintessential Nice Guy, and Hermione's anti-slavery crusade for house elves is treated dismissively by most everyone including J. K. Rowling. Her entire book-by-book review is really insightful, and very much worth a read!  

Despite its flaws, it's still an interesting universe with whimsical details. And I appreciate a good dose of whimsy and escapism in my entertainment.

Knowing about the series is also an easy way to make small talk. I was teaching in South Korea when the last book came out, and a fellow expat quickly made friends in our small town by loaning out the book to everyone who asked for it. I read it in two days, and could then identify fellow nerds to befriend by seeking out who else read that title, which was handy.

Whose side did you end up on:  Dumbledore or Snape?

Honestly, I didn't really like either character. Snape was a bully, and Dumbledore made things considerably more difficult and obscure for everyone than they needed to be.

Don't get me wrong -- I love Alan Rickman -- but I much prefer Luna Lovegood and Hermione. Give me a brainy lady any day. 

Did you fall in love with the stories as a child or an adult?

I started reading them as a teen, because my younger sister was reading them. I didn't expect to enjoy them as much as I did, but found myself reading the entire series before I knew it. Again, it was the thrill of being drawn into a well-realized world. Which is interesting, as fantasy generally isn't my bag; however, I have a weakness for Young Adult fantasy, stemming from a childhood love of the Chronicles of Narnia series.

Were you unhappy with the conclusion?  If so, how would your ideal ending go?

I was! I thought the epilogue was unnecessary and too pat. I also would have preferred to see more Neville, as I thought that the late-in-the-game reveal that he might have been The Chosen One was interesting and underexplored.

In truth, Harry's a pretty lame protagonist: he knows very few spells, isn't a great wizard, and is just not that interesting a person. I don't think character development is Rowling's strong suit; one of the things that makes the Potter universe interesting is the fact that there's this world to explore with many, many characters who aren't fully realized. So it's interesting to imagine what might have been.

What is your favorite character and why?

Luna Lovegood, as I love an unapologetic female eccentric.

Red Velvet thinks about female eccentrics a lot, and has written zines about spinsterhood, sexting, heartbreak, job interviews, terrible puns, moving, and narwhals. Drop her a line at catherinettezine@gmail.com and she will probably send you some.
 

 

 

 

Various Occasions of me Brandishing Wands, etc.

Surprise decorations at my cubicle at work this very morning,
on the eve of my 35th birthday (2/28/14)

Temporary Dobby Tattoo that didn't go over well at work

2011 Halloween Party at the office

Trying out a new wand (made by my father in law) some Xmas a few years ago.

a wooden back-scratcher from Chinatown was my training wand

here i am casting a protective spell on my son while wearing a wearable blanket that looked like a gryffendor robe

brandishing  a wand while pregnant the day we saw Deathly Hallows 2 in the theatre

brandishing a wand for what the kids call a "selfie"