25.
When Tess called Molly and told her about the
homeless woman whose description in some ways resembled Beth, the first emotion
to wash over her, before hopefulness that her mom was locatable, way joy that a
girl her age was calling her. Then they made plans to meet in the
hotel lobby in half an hour. Together, they would find Rosie, and
Molly would identify her as Beth.
***
"Where did it go? That yester
glow?
When we could feel
The wheels of life turn our way?
Yesterme Yesterou Yesterday."
George could imagine Beth living on the street,
under a bridge, two different ways. He could imagine her starving to
death, growing dizzy in the heat, in -- what outfit would she have
chosen? But he could imagine a converse scenario that involved her
experiencing her surroundings the intense way children usually do, fully
interested in the sensory experience of a thing; she could be sitting blocks
away from him, keeping track of the nuanced blues and purples of the changing
sky. Really, he was afraid she was dead. He'd seen her
with her heart beating way too fast and also, other times, way too slow, from
pills. He'd put her to bed, many times, and stayed up to wait for
her breathing to stabilize. And now she might be dead, which is when
someone is literally impossible to get in touch with, forever, and more than
anything, he wanted to get in touch with her.
***
"Why do I do the things I do? I
truly don't understand the motivation of so many of my actions. I'm
a generous, smart, even a patient woman, really, but whenever I open my mouth
(not counting when I'm talking to myself, to my kitties or to God), it's always
greed, immaterial material desires, and bumbling. Shopping, shopping
and more shopping. Avoiding Molly's calls because I know how much
she hates me. Eating nothing but candy and beef jerky. I
hate myself. I wish I were dead so many days. Why did
mother have to raise me so awfully?"
That is an excerpt from Beth's diary. See,
she meant well. She was always meaning to behave better than she did, but her
self-awareness of the shortcomings of her outward behavior somehow never
enabled her to change.
