I watch a lot of bad movies. that's been the case for awhile now. I used to just naturally only want to watch good movies, even/especially when I was a teenager -- it wasn't like I was forcing myself to do a Midnight Cowboy/Jules and Jim/The Sterile Cuckoo triple header, in the middle of a saturday, when I was a fifteen year old -- it was what I wanted to do with those hours. Let me clarify that I know it may sound unhealthy, spending a day of my youth, many saturdays in a row, watching movies all day. but i spent my weekends visiting my mom and she was really poor, and we both had our reasons for this near-addiction to escapism, so, we watched a lot of movies on a lot of weekend days. Anyway, I have long been unemployed and it's very anxious-making, and what makes me feel best is watching dvd's while crocheting, that's what keeps the anxiety at bay. uh, i have a little thing where i watch the Harry Potters at least once a week, but i'll save that for a blog about OCD or something. what i'm honing in on here is my draw towards bad movies.
once i read an interview with Kathleen Hannah where, god it was years ago so i may be remembering it poorly, but the upshot was that she had a hard time relating to most mainstream people and mainstream media, because there were all these grossly obvious destructive depictions of women, & the majority thought of these things as unimportant or funny, whereas to her they were incredibly upsetting. for instance, everyone thought American Beauty was an amazing movie, and that just blew her mind, to her the film was just like, completely disgustingly misogynistic. i think of that dilemma often, trying to get by in the world when one is a particularly sensitive person. lots of traumatic things have happened to me, and when i was a teenager i reacted to that by eschewing every mainstream value. i still have a lot of anger in me, but i also have this "of the people" draw towards mainstream film, & get annoyed by people who don't watch crap. among my dvd collection: the die hard box set; the lethal weapon box set; bootlegged copies of seasons 1-4 of It's Always Sunny in Philly. Those should be good enough examples. but am i just trying to deaden the oversensitivity i was born with, i wonder sometimes. because sensitivity is a LIABILITY. sometimes, though, i feel so suddenly struck by how much ugliness and meanness the mainstream world presents as normal. I started watching "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" the other night & I felt sick to my stomach & fought back tears early on, at how disgusting the characters & the whole script were. in particular, the characters went to a strip club, and the strippers there were depicted as choosing that line of work because they were looking for boyfriends -- what kind of misinformed shit is that? & then the main character tried to get a woman to stop hitting on him by saying that if she didn't leave him alone, he'd punch a new fuckhole into her abdomen. it made me physically sick to hear. similarly, i like a lot of mainstream hiphop, but sometimes when i listen to the lyrics, i think "fuck, what if i was the woman in this song who was getting tricked into thinking the protagonist loved her" or something like that (the politics of white listeners/hip hop/ and that whole shebang is also something i'd like to write more about in a separate blog). Anyway, the other day i heard notorious b.i.g.'s Mo Money Mo Problems on the radio, & I turned it up really loud because i love that song, & suddenly I thought I heard a mean line about "jews" that i never noticed in the first verse, and it really hurt my feelings (I looked up the lyrics; the word he said was "jewels," not "jews").
maybe that's why i never leave the apartment anymore!