Self Portraiture and the Gift of a Face

 

my bedroom faces, college 1999

My mother, who doesn’t know what a selfie or Facebook is (she asked me if Facebook was really a book of faces, which it kind of is now) acts more like a troubled teenager than a grown woman.  Since I was a kid, I've seen the self-portraits she photographed whenever she was incredibly sad or smashed.  These were bummer pictures to see, of course, as her daughter, but I also admired how unabashed she was about them; they weren't hidden away in a box somewhere.  The one I remember most clearly, probably because I own it (she sent it to me when I was away at college) is a photo she took just after she'd cut off all her beautiful long hair. 

I also regularly took self-portraits when I was crying or really sad, when I was a teenager.  I liked how these photos looked and the idea that I'd created a work of art of sorts just by capturing myself in the act of crying; even as a young person, i was aware that the aesthetic rawness of art created by young people was of general interest, aesthetically, with the cool grownups I admired.  

I know that a lot of my friends also liked to take photos of themselves.  There was something so fascinating about a photo that is usually taken from an unflattering angle but still manages to show striking or unusually lovely facets of our faces.  

In college I got really into these self-portraits.  I moved to a new place every year, and whenever I decorated my new room, I always had a collection of photos of myself tacked to the wall near my pillow, with sad lyrics about loneliness written on them.

Some were photos taken of me by friends, and some were self-portraits.  It was comforting to have these self-pitying and poetic loneliness reminders to look at as I drifted off the sleep; when I was alone, it felt sort of cozy to wallow.  And on the nights I wasn't alone, it was nice to look at the photos and silently say to them "Not alone tonight, Robins."  

Eventually I discovered the devastatingly witty and sad prose of Dorothy Parker, and as an art project, I went through all my old photo albums and put together all the self-portraits I had of me, mom and my friends in a notebook with appropriate Dorothy Parker quotes as a narrative for each picture.  It is the kind of art project that's sort of like "meh" unless you're young enough to think everything you do is genius, but I still think it's a neat book to look through.

 As we all know, "selfies" are the trend du jour, and, especially lately, a daily journalistic topic.  There is a psychological study that's been reported on lately, about how selfies are bad for a woman's self-esteem, and also that they have led to a trend in younger and younger women getting plastic surgery.  

Even though if know that the act of holding a camera away from your face as far as your arms can stretch and taking a picture of yourself is not some revolutionary idea, it never ceases to disappoint me how popular the selfie is right now, and I hope the next big Facebook trend becomes something I feel no slight bit of ownership over, like dick pics or close-up photos of tire treads. 

4 of my lonely, lovely robins that kept me company at night

Commute Curiousity

It used to drive me crazy that there was no way to live simultaneous experiences at once; this is what would give me a sense of longing when I used to be on buses or driving through neighborhoods in states I'd never been in before, and I would be lucky enough to look into someone's living room for a second if they had their curtains open, their lives on momentary display for me like the set of a play about the secret richness of the lives of common men.

I'm a boring old bag now so I don't have those thoughts as often, but yesterday when I was stuck on Santa Monica Boulevard forever, I did get to wondering again about what the interiors of some of these wrecked-looking buildings looked like.  Like, what is the story with some of these places that I love to look at but will never have first-hand experiences with.  It occurred to me that with careful research I could at least figure out a little bit about these ghost-frequented Los Angeles mysteries.

Gold Diggers

It's true that I've always been curious about what it's like inside Gold Diggers, but I didn't bother doing too much research on it, because, ironic as Angelenos like to consider themselves (I'd call it boredom), every place that was an authentic depressing hang out that resembled scenes from Barfly is now blithely called a "Dive Bar," and while it's true that old men who live within walking distance who "aren't in on the joke", as the saying goes, often frequent these bars, or strip clubs, in an authentic way, there comes some witching hour, like 10 pm or so, when these landmarks of a lonely alcoholics' safe place turns into a hipster place.  Nonetheless, when i'm stuck in Santa Monica Blvd traffic, i still do wonder what it's like inside.

The Old Sears Building

after and before

This Sears building has been closed since the Rodney King riots.  Unfortunately I couldn't find any photos of the interior, either in its heyday or in its ruin.  There has been a plan for some time to turn it into a mixed use building, the whole lofts on the upper floors/storefronts on the first floor thing.  I read the L.A. city Planning commission report on it, but surprisingly, it was a snoozefest.  I thought there aesthetic stipulations were interesting though, especially the amount of detail:

Environmental Impact Report Conditions (MM)
5. Aesthetics
a. All open areas not used for buildings, driveways, parking areas, recreational facilities or walks shall be attractively landscaped and maintained in accordance with a landscape plan, including an automatic irrigation plan, prepared by a licensed
landscape architect to the satisfaction of the decision maker.

b. Prior to the issuance of a grading permit or building permit, a plot plan prepared by a
reputable tree expert, indicating the location, size, type, and condition of all existing trees on the site shall be submitted to the City of Los Angeles Department of
Planning and the Street Tree Division of the Bureau of Street Services. The plan
shall contain measures recommended by the tree expert for the preservation of as
many trees as possible. (MM)
c. Any trees removed during project implementation shall be replaced by a minimum of 24-inch box trees in the parkway and on the site, on a 1: 1 basis, to the satisfaction of the Street Tree Division of the Bureau of Street Services and the decision maker.
(MM)
d. Removal of trees in the public right-of-way shall first require approval from the Board of Public Works. All trees in the public right-of-way shall be provided per the current Street Tree Division standards. (MM)
e. The genus or genera of the tree(s) shall provide a minimum crown of 30 - 50 feet.
(MM)
f. Every building, structure, or portion thereof, shall be maintained in a safe and
sanitary condition and good repair, and free from graffiti, debris, rubbish, garbage,
trash, overgrown vegetation or other similar material, pursuant to Municipal Code
Section 91.8104. (MM)
g. The exterior of all buildings and fences shall be free from graffiti when such graffiti is visible from a public street, public walk way or alley, pursuant to Municipal Code
Section 91.8104.15. (MM)

h. The subject property including associated parking facilities, sidewalks, and
landscaped planters adjacent to the exterior walls along the all property lines shall be
maintained in an attractive condition and shall be kept free of trash and debris.
Trash receptacles shall be located throughout the site.

i. Wall (Trash and Storage). Solid masonry block walls, a minimum of 6-feet in height,
shall enclose trash and other storage areas. There shall be no openings except for
gates. The areas shall be buffered so as not to result in noise, odor or debris
impacts on any adjacent uses. The area shall not be adjacent to any single-family
use. Recycling bins shall be provided at appropriate locations to promote recycling of
paper, metal, glass, and other recyclable materiaL. Trash pick up shall take place
only between 7:00 AM and 8:00 PM Monday through Friday, and 10:00 AM to 4:00
PM on Saturday. There shall be no pick up on Sunday or legal holidays.

They don't expect their mixed use building to be instantly covered in graffiti, apparently, and for the residents' trash bins to be odorless.  Shalimar-soaked masonry walls?


The Harvey Apartments

This building has particularly intrigued me for years.  it looks like such a flophouse a la Bukowski or Fante novel.  

none of these are my own photos, by the way.  They are from Google Street View, except for the one of the interior of Gold Diggers, which was from their Facebook page.

It's sort of funny that this is the building most mysterious to me, because there is actually a fair amount of demystifiying press on it.  

This story appeared on the CNN Justice site:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/12/02/publicist.killed.apartments/

In brief, back in 2010, a popular celebrity publicist, Ronni Chasen, died in what was an apparent suicide, but the details surrounding the suicide were suspicious, and there was a person of interest involved in the death, who was holed up in the Harvey Apartments, where he ended up shooting himself dead in the lobby.  True to my Harvey Apartments fantasies, it's described in this article as  the type of place where "[t]here's a lot of screaming goes on and hollering and the kind of ruckus you wouldn't find in the traditional apartment complex."