Hello Out There,
Yikes, I have been a very irregular blogger. I haven't quite gotten the hang of what to put into a blog yet either. I finished writing my novel earlier this month and haven't put much effort into looking for avenues that lead towards getting it published, either, so what can I blame my laziness on? general ennui brought on by the anxiety of this psuedo economic depression and my one little part in it (I've been pretty well unemployed for over a year here in CA now, with a two month stint of stressful employment I cried my eyes out through, ending in me being [unfairly, of course!] fired for insubordination .... I guess a little punk-til-death part of me is proud of getting fired for "insubordination" but I wish I'd at least merited it ... instead, I totally busted my ass at that job and planned on being there forever)? specific ennui brought on by being me in particular, with my history of all the weird things that I always feel have happened to only me? -- well, that might be a good excuse. the holidays really ended up kicking my ass. I have always been surprisingly passionate about December, especially for a dedicated athiest with a passion for spouting off about how christianity ruins everything, when the topic comes up, and a tendency to play up my Jewish roots on my dad's side and play down the sicilian catholic roots on my mom's side. I'm really crazy about Christmas and December, and unfortunately, i'm also really crazy, so.... but this December I've really been thinking about why I get so emotional about Christmas, and I just kept think about the concept of miracles. Again, if you don't know me, I have to stress that I'm certainly NO CHRISTIAN. but the idea of miracles is so wonderful. so i am a sucker for Christmas in that way. and I love the way anything goes, sort of, in December, something I wrote about in an earlier blog. the way people decorate their houses all crazy, and if you're a kid, you can count on not really having to pay attention at school all month and doing lots of art project and self-centered essays about what you are going to do over Winter break, etc. And if you are one of the gainfully employed, even, and a full blown grown up, not a childlike woman-child like myself, you can still often depend on a lot of screwing around at work during the month of December, what with Christmas potlucks and stuff like that -- I definitely like that aspect of "the holiday season."
but this year, while I was having one of my worst panic attacks in years, the morning after Christmas, in front of both my dad and my husband, and later, my stepmom too, I remember crying about how much sadness there is and also about how I can't deal with inevitability, meaning death. I'm so sad about my friend Bill having died, and also during Christmas I think about my husband's aunt who died way too young a few years ago -- I guess I think about her a lot during Christmas because I usually only saw her on Christmas. Both Bill and my husband's aunt were poor, and yes, I know that rich people go through the same amount of pain when they are dying of cancer, but these two Wonderful and Kind people had so much extra shit they had to deal with while dying because of the fact of their respective poverties and the fact that they had no medical insurance. I just can't ever wrap my head or heart around all the unfairness that's sewn into our country's fabric. Why, why, why?????, do movie stars have so much useless expensive shit piling up in their homes while some of the best people in the whole world are wasting away without any help from anyone? If you are poor, please MAKE hospitals take care of you, don't feel guilty about being unable to pay for your life, you live in a country with all the cards stacked against you, but there is a system in place whereby these giant corporations that are in charge of our lives expect to lose money on people who can't pay them, each year, so advocate for yourself. stay alive. if you are rich, please help people who aren't. i felt so touched this year when I was in the car with my dad and stepmom on xmas eve (i'm not insinuating that they are rich, but they both have jobs and are able to live comfortably) and Dusty, my stepmom, saw a homeless lady and turned the car around to give her $5. they know what a sucker i am for stuff like that, Dad and Dusty, so they let me be the one to run out and give her the money. it was a "moment." but still, with that small amount of money in her hand, she had to spend the whole night sitting on that bus bench in the cold, wrapped in blankets and probably starving.
So, this is just a ramble. I just felt like writing on this blog instead of in my diary this morning. "god" bless me and keep me sane. "god" bless my family, my poor, crazy mom, and my kind dad and stepmom who have helped me whenever i've needed it without batting an eyelash, "god" bless Obama for helping me & and my husband by passing several little laws that have helped us be able to pay for our COBRA and for our rent, still. "god" bless my students who I tutor -- kids are so goddamn crazy and funny and weird, and I will miss these 5 kids when I stop tutoring them. "god" bless all of my wonderful family, my revolutionary friends, and my husband's family too. wishes for the new year:
-a humanist, socialist take over of the U.S., including legalized drugs and prostitution and free fucking health care for all.
-a heart for the tin man, a brain for the scarecrow, and for me, more and more courage, and a bit more natural sanity would be great too.
-health for my mom and the million cats that live in her apartment, and a continued conversation with the ghost of Bill, who sits on her couch with her and says "don't worry" all day long.
- to become a gainfully employed person and a well-published writer, with a review in the New Yorker, saying something like this: "an amazing first novel. full of insight and aching longing. a must-read for nice intellectuals."
-lots of other good things.
these are my wishes for 2010.
xox princess robin